Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
