I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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