I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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