I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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