I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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