Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
