He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
