Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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