After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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