I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm passing your future prison.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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