Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
