She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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