Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
