marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize