You're a womanizer and a bitch.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
