i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I have grass duct taped all over my body
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
