Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
