please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
