I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
