He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
