I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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