Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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