Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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