a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
