Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
