Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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