the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
