What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
