I just saw a hot homeless man
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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