what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
