wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm too high and old for this...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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