i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
