apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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