I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
