I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
