Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
