So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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