The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
