I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
