: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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