you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
