So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
