Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
