Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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