Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
