I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
