Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
