my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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