i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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