i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
