he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
