I just cut my nipple shaving
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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