No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
