Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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