Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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