so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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