She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
