we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
