just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You made out with two different species that night
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
