Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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