i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
