dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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