Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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